Age
by GirlWhoLovesFanfiction
Summary: Alucard finds a friend in the most unlikely of places and discovers a little about himself and the world around him.


Vampires Don't Like Tea

On the scarce days that Alucard left the Hellsing Manor, his favorite places to go were cemeteries. They gave him a sort of peace of mind, gallivanting about the bones of the deceased: humans who had moved on into the great unknown. It did not matter the condition of the weather, so long as he was given the freedom to wander and think his thoughts in privacy. Thus, he was out on a very cold night in London, when the headstones were all covered in a thick blanket of white and the only sound that broke the stillness was the light tinkling of snowfall.

 _I wonder,_ he thought to himself, _what it is like to grow old._

It was during this wistful contemplation that he realized that he was surprisingly not alone in the graveyards. His body tensed, ready for an ambush after hearing the sound of footsteps crunching into the heavy layer of snow. The shape was blurry, almost unrecognizable at first in the harsh weather. It was a slight figure, stooped low enough to nearly crouch. Squinting, Alucard could just make out a strand of long, silvery hair underneath a thick winter coat. Deciding to appease his curiosity, he approached the figure.

Getting a better look, Alucard realized that this was only a little old woman out in the storm. Still, though, one question remained.

"Are you mad?" he asked unfeelingly, coming to stop in front of her.

The woman unbent her back slowly and looked all the way up to meet his eyes. Hers were a surprisingly bright grey for her age, lined with deep wrinkles. The vampire could always tell an elderly person's character by those lines; and hers were the marks of old smiles. But today, fresh tears glinted in the corners of her eyes. She pursed her lips and huffed, looking back down and walking around him.

Alucard glared at her in surprise for a moment, shocked that any human would have the audacity to just ignore him, and he stopped in front of her again, blocking her path. "Why are you out here? You'll catch your death." His harsh words demanded an answer, and this time, the old woman did not ignore him.

"I am visiting my family," she replied pithily, giving him a wary look. "Why are you out here, young man? You should be at home where it's safe."

He raised an eyebrow. "I will be fine. You, however, will not. You should return."

The woman sighed. "Don't worry about me. Have a good day."

She stepped around him once more, and this time, he chose not to block her. Rather, he kept on looking after her, watching as she scanned the graveyard. She walked on for a few moments until she came to a stop in front of the third headstone down on the fourth row near the entrance. The old woman abruptly fell to her knees then, and Alucard was about to rush to her side before he noticed her begin to dig through the snow.

Right about when she seemed to dig deep enough to touch the dirt, when the snow created a sort of grave of its own, she opened the satchel at her hip and dropped down three baby pink flowers. She did not stand to her feet after that, instead favoring to stare at the headstone with her head lowered. Fresh tears dripped onto the virgin snow. Something about watching the old woman crying over a grave caused Alucard to do something unusual.

"Come along, now," he said calmly, extending his hand towards her. "I'm certain whoever is lying here does not want you to mourn out in this weather." The old woman wiped some of the tears away from her wrinkled cheeks. She looked at the grave for a very long moment, undoubtedly taking a moment to mourn. When she was finished, she placed her hand in his, and he lifted her up very carefully, placing his hand on her upper back protectively.

Although they walked at such a slow rate, soon they were outside of the wrought iron gates. "Thank you," she said quietly after a few more steps. Alucard grunted in response, never one for idle pleasantries. Her hand was shaking in his. He wondered whether it was because of arthritis or the cold.

"Whose grave was it?" he asked after a tense silence.

She shook her head with a sigh. "My granddaughter's. Begonias were her favorite flowers… I thought it would be a fitting birthday present."

Alucard gave her a sideways look. He thought back to when he had buried his own sons. "I'm sorry. It's always very painful to lose those younger than you."

The woman nodded her head slowly. They walked on for several more minutes, both in their own states of contemplation. "She would have been five today. I miss her."

In the quiet hush of the storm, the vampire considered of all the words that she could have said to best capture the grief of losing a child, and drew nothing. He remembered when his own children had died, long ago. Sometimes, one can't rely on language to make others understand. Sometimes, it is only heartfelt. And he had lost everything, once. He would lose everything again. But what were his meager words to tell the troubled old woman how he could relate? How he had felt this pain as well? "I understand."

She smiled that same little smile again. "I know you do," the old woman patted the back of his gloved hand comfortingly. "I could see it in your eyes, dear. You've lost a great deal of loved ones."

"That I have," he agreed. The walk seemed to have flown by them; after walking for roughly twenty minutes, the old woman came to a stop in front of a large apartment building. Alucard sighed in relief, glad that they had finally made it. "Have a good evening. Stay safe."

She smiled at him. "Thank you for walking me home. Would you like to stop by for a while for some tea? You look pale as a cadaver."

The vampire shifted his weight on his feet, slightly taken aback by the offer and the comparison. Blinking a few times, he looked at her like she was crazy (which in all fairness, he thought she was). "I couldn't. You don't know who I am, and opening your home to a stranger is not always the wisest choice."

"Cobblers," she said kindly, sticking out her hand. "My name is Edith. What is yours?"

He paused, already knowing where this was likely going. "Alucard," he conceded, shaking her hand carefully. In all honesty, he was afraid of crushing it. It was a rare moment he had to handle something delicately. She herself was fragile, the wrinkles on her hands outlining the old and rigid bones. But he noticed that her grip was surprisingly strong.

"Then, Mr. Alucard, it would be my pleasure to have your company. You've been kind, and I would like to return the favor. After all, now that I know your name, we aren't strangers anymore."

Alucard contemplated her offer briefly. Would anyone worry about him? Likely not; everyone at the manor understood that he was fine on his own, so long as he returned. And it was rare that he ever left the mansion in the first place: he usually preferred to sit in his basement with a glass of blood. So why couldn't he indulge in a little conversation just this once? It was not like he was killing anyone. "All right," he said finally.

Edith smiled, and her wrinkles grew more defined. She typed in the code leading into the building, and she led the way down three more blocks. When she finally unlocked the door to the room in the middle of one tall structure, Alucard immediately noticed faint smell of scones and tea. Taking a slow step inside the room, he took note of how vibrant it was inside the small place. The walls were decorated a light violet, and several pictures of different families crowded the walls.

The next thing he noticed was that everything was incredibly clean. The floors were a soft grey carpet that was freshly vacuumed. The tables, save for a few classic novels and a few papers of mail, were pristine. There was a large bookshelf near one of the walls, each level practically overflowing with books. "You certainly read a lot," he commented as Edith set herself up in the kitchen.

"I am a bit of a bookworm, yes," she said warmly as she turned on the stove. He noticed that her hands still shook as she placed a salmon-colored kettle on the fire. _So it was arthritis_. Somehow, thinking about what elderly people had to endure daily troubled him; he could not imagine growing gradually weaker as the years dragged on. "Not much else to do nowadays."

He grunted in agreement. Without missions, things could get rather boring. He had faced the same conundrum roughly a century ago when he decided to move to England. Routines became monotonous. Dangerous, in fact. Without mental stimulation, the brain deteriorated. At times without war, sleep, or entertainment, he could feel himself slipping further into psychosis. He had felt that way for over half a millennium. "If I may ask, Mr. Alucard, what were you doing in the cemetery?"

He passed by a picture of a little boy with a popsicle stain on his lips. Something about him made the vampire oddly nostalgic. "I was… thinking? Yes, I was thinking."

Edith glanced over her shoulder and seemed to inspect him for several moments. "About what?" she asked, setting the oven temperature.

"Aging," he answered honestly. The old woman raised an eyebrow, waiting patiently for him to elaborate. "It's a luxury I will never experience," he explained, this time with a hint of hesitancy. If the old woman wanted his presence, she would have to know what he was. He would not enjoy fallacious hospitality. A monster though he was, indecorous to good company he was not.

She frowned. "Now why is that? All creatures age."

Acidic red honed in on the frail woman's face. "Not all."

Edith narrowed her eyes at him before the kettle began to whistle. She took it off the stove and opened a package of what smelled like jasmine tea. "What on earth are you talking about, young man?"

Alucard watched her hand shake as she dropped a few scoops of tea into the kettle to steep. His expression was stony as he said: "Dead men do not grow old."

There was a pregnant silence that followed as the elderly woman paused. When his words finally seemed to have processed, she dropped the spoon, causing it to clatter on the tile floor. Placing a hand over her heart, Edith stepped back quickly, wide eyes on him. Alucard raised both his hands and lowered his head. "Peace, Mrs. Edith. I do not wish harm on you."

Edith sputtered and leaned against her refrigerator for support. "A-A vampire?" The woman trembled violently now, and this time it was not the arthritis.

He observed her for a moment longer before coming over and picking up the spoon she had dropped. Alucard placed it in the sink for her. His movements were deliberately slow. "You must have met one of my ilk before. That's why you were able to believe so quickly." When all she did was stare fearfully at him, he sighed. "I've frightened you enough for one night. Once again, have a nice evening. You have been very hospitable, and I appreciate that."

Just as he placed his hand on the door, the old woman called out to him once again. "Wait!" He turned to her. Edith blinked up at him. "I meant no disrespect, you just surprised me. It has been… many years since I've seen a nosferatu. I thought your features seemed familiar."

The oven dinged, capturing their attention and breaking the suspenseful atmosphere. Edith looked back at Alucard with a nervous expression. "You… likely wouldn't actually have tea with me."

He raised one eyebrow in surprise, not having anticipated this turn of events. "Are you offering?" The corner of his lips curled slightly.

Edith returned his smile, though hers held a hint of caution. "You certainly are a funny sort of vampire, if I ever saw one. But you can go ahead and take your coat off and have a seat if you aren't too hell-bent on leaving."

Alucard chuckled under his breath and in one graceful motion took off his red duster and placed it on the rack near the door. He opted to sit on the couch across from the two adjacent chairs. Another scent still lingered on the chair next to the reading lamp that he was sure Edith sat in, though it was muted over several years' worth of vacancy. He felt it would have been disrespectful to sit on either of the two chairs; they obviously held many memories. He waited patiently, and before long, a delicate china cup and plate was handed to him shakily. "Thank you," he said as she sat down, as he predicted, on the chair by the lamp.

"Of course, dear," she replied, concentrating on her own cup. After taking a sip, she glanced at him. "So… a vampire. May I ask how old you actually are, if it's not too rude?"

He huffed in amusement and sipped his tea, fighting back a grimace as the human beverage fought its way down his throat. "Six hundred and two. I would not have told you what I was just to keep everything else a secret, Mrs. Edith."

The old woman's eyes widened and she let out a small breath of wonder. "Goodness, you're certainly much older than I am. I'll have to be careful not to call you a "young man" again."

Alucard stared her down with an unreadable expression, though it was clear that many thoughts were running rampantly behind his garnet eyes. Finally, he cracked a small, calm smile. "I don't mind."

Edith fiddled with her teacup and rocked back and forth slowly in her chair. He found the motion oddly calming, considering the blizzard outside. Everything about the house was such a difference to what he normally dealt with; his stone grey dungeon and blood had been replaced with lilacs and tea. Not something he would have expected to occur from a stroll through a cemetery, but he certainly was not complaining. The old woman sipped her beverage, and when she looked at him again, he forced himself to take another drink. It tasted like hot piss, but if it helped his appearance, he would deal with it.

It looked like she was about to say something, but she quickly looked back down again. "I have heard many insults thrown my way in the centuries I have lived. You do not need to be afraid of asking me a possibly offensive question. I am actually much less delicate than you would think," he quipped.

The old woman sighed. "Dear, you don't look the least bit inhuman. I don't understand; the last nosferatu I met was far more… I suppose I could say, 'malevolent'. For one of your age, I would expect something a bit…" she trailed off, looking to him for the correct words.

"Frightening? Demonic?" At her look, he laughed lowly. "I don't take twisted amusement in scaring the elderly. But I should warn you that I am not the best of company, despite that fact. Which begs the question: why would you invite a monster to sit in your living room and have tea?"

She had set her tea cup down and was about to pour herself another glass when a hand quickly captured the kettle she had set down. Edith gave him an inquisitive look, and Alucard looked down at his own cup, which was still sloshing with tea. Schooling his face into a mask of indifference, he drained the last of that cup and fought the immediate urge to vomit. He then directed his attention to her cup and easily lifted the kettle, slowly pouring its contents into both of drinks. Giving her his best impression of a nice smile, which looked rather like something out of a drug-induced nightmare, he took another sip.

Something about the twitch in his eye or the fact that he looked like he just ate a bowl of salt caused Edith to laugh. Alucard immediately dropped the façade and opted to look as irritated as he actually was. Although… he had to admit, getting her to laugh felt like quite an achievement. "I'm sorry dear," she finally managed to gasp out, holding her hand to her chest. "You don't have to keep drinking tea if you don't like it. I appreciate that you are trying to make me more at ease, but you're a good boy."

The vampire gave her a very blank look before setting the china down and crossing his arms, looking at the tea in contempt. This caused Edith to chuckle a bit more and lean back in her chair, smiling at him with new warmth. "As for your question, I think the answer is rather obvious. We're both quite similar, if you think about it. I'd imagine you don't have many people mature enough to have conversations with. And I… I don't have anyone left to talk to. You gave me quite the start with the new information, but that doesn't make you any less of a gentleman. You've been good company."

Alucard leaned forward. "And you can just ignore the fact that I drink blood to survive?" he asked calmly.

Edith folded her hands in front of herself. "I think…" she said slowly, appearing to think her next words through carefully, "that everyone needs a friend every once in a while."

The words took him aback more than he let on with the widening of his eyes. _What manner of woman is this?_ he wondered. Although the thought of him actually having a friend was ludicrous, he decided that just for one night, he would indulge her. After all, it appeared that he had been her only company in quite a while. The books piled up around her small apartment were beginning to make more and more sense. Perhaps she was speaking more of herself than him. On this, the anniversary of her dead granddaughter's birthday, the old woman likely needed comfort more than anything. "All right," he sighed again. And then he paused. "Who was this other vampire that you encountered?"

A faraway look entered Edith's gray eyes, a deep sadness dwelling within her expression that made the vampire pause. "Many years ago, as you may already know, London was under siege. He entered the apartment that I, at the time, shared with my husband. He never knew I was there, hiding beneath the bed while Gerald stood by the door with his shotgun, but I was…" the old woman trailed off when her voice broke.

"You don't have to continue," Alucard said gently.

She nodded and took a deep breath. "Thank you, dear. It is always terribly difficult to talk about the things that haunt you." Edith took another slow sip of tea before speaking again, settling once more. "You understand now why I was so frightened when you told me what you were."

"Many are, and rightfully so," he admitted.

"And what about you?" she asked. "What story do you have to tell?"

"A very long one."

"I love long stories." Edith smiled and set the tea down beside her. Apparently, she was going to hear his life story one way or another.

Alucard studied her for one moment longer before directing his attention to the shelves of books behind her. Finding the one that had captured his attention the moment he stepped in the door, he rose up and plucked it off the shelf. "Are you familiar with the story of Dracula, Mrs. Edith?"

The old woman paused, and a small shiver of fear ran down her spine. She continued on carefully. "Oh my, yes. It's been many years since I've read the tale, but I know of the infamous Count, and the historical figure he is based off of."

He gripped the book tightly for one moment, staring at the title. Edith watched his conflicted expression from where she was perched, waiting to hear his anecdote. "Bram Stoker had to change a few events to protect the truth. For instance, the death of the antagonist. Abraham Van Helsing did not kill him."

Alucard made his way back to his chair, on the way quietly setting the book down on the table. Edith watched him the whole time, unable to take her eyes away. Her expression gave away nothing; it was set in stone. "What did happen to the Count, then?"

"He was enslaved by the Helsing bloodline for centuries to pass. Dr. Seward managed to turn him into a weapon for humanity. His name was even reversed to demonstrate his captivity and the reversal of his power."

"Alucard," she whispered, realization dawning on her.

He nodded. "The rest you can likely discover for yourself. There are many fabricated lies written in this book, but there are also a few truths."

The old woman observed him warily for a long moment, remembering the tale. Ah yes, it had begun with a carriage ride into a daunting castle, and ended with several dead humans and one monster. "If that is so," she said, thumb absentmindedly running over the base of her cup, "then I would be correct in assuming you've been released of your entrapment?"

It almost looked like he smiled when he replied: "Yes." But his response was strangely not sinister. It was despondent, and longing. "You see, today I wanted to visit an old… friend, of mine. She passed away only recently. She was the last heir."

She furrowed her eyebrows. "But, you said that Abraham made you a slave. Why would you hold this person in such high regard, high enough to consider her a friend?"

Alucard let out an amused huff. "I considered Abraham a friend as well. Oh, we were wonderful enemies. But although we bickered, although I drove him near madness (or possibly into it, I am not the best judge of sanity), I respected him. He was a good master, just like son and granddaughter. My only regret is that the worthy human did not kill me. But, as I've come to learn, many things happen for a reason." And then he seemed to think of something. "Do you ever wish for death, Mrs. Edith?"

Although it was a strange and rather out-of-the-blue question, she found that it was easy to answer. "Of course. On long days of silence especially. I try to keep myself entertained. I go to parks and feed the birds, as most elderly people do. I visit my son as often as I can. He hasn't been the same since his daughter died."

He found himself agreeing. "I wasn't, either. I hardly knew my boys; I had spent such a long time away fighting for an ultimately useless cause. On the occasions I saw them, we were like strangers. But still, how I loved them. How broken I was, when they were taken from me." Alucard shook his head to clear it. "Best not to think too far back, though. It's quite literally ancient history. Your son: is that the boy in the picture?"

Edith beamed and turned around to look at the photo. "Oh yes. Michael was such a cutie back then. He works as an architect, you know; a prospering business, considering what happened so many years ago. Reconstruction is only really just getting started, I think. Every Sunday, I visit him and make sure he and his young wife are doing well."

 _What a good mother._ "And are they?"

"As well as one could expect. Clarissa passed away only three months ago. I worry about them. Her older sister of three years, Katherine, is taking it especially hard. Whenever I head over, I always bring a toy or knickknack to keep her mind off the tragedy. Sometimes it helps. Others…"

There was no need to finish the sentence. Edith stared out the window, watching as snow continued to pile over the city street. "You asked if I was afraid of death," she said in a lower tone, eyes focused on the sky, miles away from the old apartment. "Would it be deplorable of me to admit that while I sometimes wish for it, I'm still scared of it?"

"No," he answered so quickly that her eyes darted back to him. Alucard's expression was solemn. Nothing followed after that.

Edith chanced a dangerous question. "Were you?"

His expression did not change. "I became what I am for different, blasphemous reasons. No, I do not fear death. The Grim Reaper and I are far too well-acquainted for me to be afraid of him. But why do you fear it? Is it simply because you don't know what happens afterwards?"

"I know what happens," she said simply. "I'm afraid of what will happen to my family when I'm gone. I am… I am very sick, Mr. Alucard."

He grew silent, but he nodded to prompt her to continue speaking. So, she did. "I don't want to eat or sleep or drink anymore. I've stopped reading, too. Moving hurts me so much, sometimes I don't want to breathe. But I make my trip every Sunday, and I comfort my son and his wife, and I play with my granddaughter. Every day it gets harder to do everything, and I know I'm ready to go, but… but I don't think I could do it. I couldn't hurt them again, not after what happened to Clarissa. Not after seeing Michael's heart break."

"Death halts for no one." Alucard tilted his head slightly and observed the old woman carefully. Though he had never been in her position, he could understand her feelings towards death. He had watched Integra go through the same struggle. As her life faded away, she expressed how anxious she was to leave him and Seras alone to fend for themselves. They had grown close over the years, almost like a family. Integra and Seras: his two beautiful women that he helped blossom into glorious sovereigns. "This friend that I spoke of… you remind me of her. My Integra once told me that by passing away, she felt as if she would somehow be shirking her responsibilities, as if she had not given her life and soul to her cause already. There is only so much work that can be done in one lifetime. At some point, Mrs. Edith, you must realize that death is not synonymous with cowardice. There is only so much you can do."

Mrs. Edith watched him with a soft glimmer in her gray eyes, a small smile playing on her lips. "You certainly are different from the way you were portrayed in the book. Where is your child-mind? I must say, you appear to act your age. If there is a certain way someone your age _should_ act, considering how many centuries you've lived."

He chuckled. "I only speak what I know. And besides, don't believe everything you read. I am supposed to be fictional, after all."

She tilted her head. "And the Dracula that is not of fiction? What about him?"

"He is dead," Alucard answered solemnly. "He is dead, and so are his convictions. I will never step foot upon Romanian soil again because of that. I have terrorized that land far too long to ever desire to return."

"His legacy is not." A faint, humorous smile appeared on Mrs. Edith's wrinkled lips. "One might even be of the supposition that his legacy has even spread to the English monarchy."

He smiled back, this time mischievously. His fangs rested on his lip, giving him the appearance of the Cheshire Cat. "What a convoluted supposition that is. Although I will say… the current king does indeed bear a few Romanian traits. Watered down, of course, but I can see them."

Mrs. Edith giggled good-naturedly. "Tell me about this Romania. Fictional Dracula seemed to be very proud of his nationality. I do wonder if I should believe what I've read."

"I only said not to believe _everything_ you read. There are many things that are true in the book. For example, when I spoke of how we Szekelys are right to be proud…"

As they brushed over that particular topic, Mrs. Edith watched in fascination as the originally aloof vampire blossomed into a passionate storyteller. He spoke of his past as a human and his time as a free vampire. But she did notice that he spent the majority of the time talking about his time at Hellsing, from his astonishing capture to his pride at the young vampire Seras Victoria, whose strength was equivalent to that of a hurricane. But most of all, he spoke of Integra. She asked him what his feelings were towards the deceased woman, and he had smiled and said: "Warm."

She spoke of herself, too. Alucard found that many of her stories revolved around her family. Not that he was surprised, though. He found himself laughing at a few of them, of the terrified new mother that Edith once was to the veteran grandmother still dealing with toddler rampages. The old woman was actually surprised that he asked so much about her children, but she began to understand that the vampire hadn't known that happiness for centuries, and likely never would again. It made sense that even after all that time, he would still desire the things just out of his reach.

They talked into the night, long past sunset. The scones she had taken out of the oven she had preheated at the beginning of their conversation had turned hard as a rock. It was when Edith yawned a third time that Alucard seemed to notice the time. "It has been a true pleasure, my friend, but it's become dark. I should leave you to retire."

She rubbed her tired eyes and groped for her thick spectacles on the coffee table before her. Putting them on, she still squinted to see the large grandfather clock across the room. "Oh my, it's nearly midnight. I had gotten so lost in conversation, I didn't think it had gotten so late."

Alucard huffed in amusement. "As in the book, when I last had company, I made the mistake of speaking long until the morning." He paused for a moment, a considering look on his face. "I haven't extended this sort of invitation in a long time, but would you care to visit the Hellsing manor tomorrow? It's not as glorious as it once was, but I believe you'd enjoy a tour. I'm sure Seras would love to meet you."

The image of the imposing mansion crossed her mind, and for a brief moment, the old woman was nervous. She had never seen such a large estate up close before, and had no personal ties with anyone inside, save for the surprisingly cordial vampire. "Are you sure they would let me in? It's government property, isn't it?"

He grinned facetiously. "The new director is scared of me. I'll make sure you aren't turned down at the gate. Besides, Hellsing is no longer the base of all supernatural elimination management. If it weren't for the artillery range and important documents, it would be considered more of a decorative landmark. I can almost guarantee that within three decades, it will be turned into a museum." Alucard yawned widely, showing off his sharp teeth. "It's no obligation, though," he said indolently.

Edith considered the drowsy vampire before her. Everything in her still warned against trusting such a creature, but after speaking with him for so long, she realized that perhaps he wasn't so bad. What could be the harm in having him for a friend? It would be another person to visit whenever she felt like talking, and he didn't seem the type to cause any harm if he had no qualms with anyone. He had been very honest with her about his past, and she understood that he did everything within reason. Not without quite a bit of unnecessary brutality of course, but within reason. "I would be honored to pay a visit."

The vampire's brows shot up. "Really?" He grinned. "Wonderful. In that case, I shall see you tomorrow. Until then, Mrs. Edith."

Did her eyes deceive her, or did Alucard truly just disappear into thin air? Half of her wondered if she was senile before she noticed there was still a slight dent in the sofa from where he sat.

 _Well then_ , she thought to herself as she slowly made her way to her bedroom _. I do believe I've just made friends with the king of vampires._

*bonus*

Alucard returned to the manor in the way he was wont, which was to pop out of nowhere and scare someone out of their wits. That evening, his victim happened to be Seras Victoria.

She was singing while cleaning her room, swinging her hips back and forth as she picked up her dirty laundry and tossed it into her hamper. Although he knew she would be embarrassed as soon as she realized that someone was watching, he couldn't help being slightly impressed by her voice. Ah well, he supposed, you learn something new every day. "Set free…" she crooned as one of her bras flew over her shoulder and landed on his face.

The vampiress watched it as it flew, and gasped in surprise when she saw it land on Alucard's head. "Master!" she screeched in surprise, falling backwards and landing in an uncomfortable position in her coffin.

Alucard plucked the enormous lingerie off his head and dangled it in the air, appreciating it a moment before tossing it in the hamper. He wore a very evil expression as he grinned down at the very flustered girl. "Yes, well, as appealing as "setting free" sounds, I don't think I'll follow your lead, Police Girl."

She let out a strangled groan as her face turned a lovely shade of firetruck. "Please stop calling me that. And… And why are you in my bedroom?"

"Because I want to have a bra fight with you," he answered with completely deadpanned expression. When the girl didn't react, Alucard let loose the riotous laughter he had bottled up ever since returning. After he was done, he wiped a small crimson tear away from the corner of his eye and grinned. "Come on, Seras, that was a little funny."

Seras shook her head. "Master, really. Don't you know it's rude to come into someone's room without knocking? I don't know how Sir I-" the draculina paused and lowered her head, mood even more foul than before. Alucard's grin faded away too, and the room was suddenly much more somber than it was before. Seras sighed. "Anyways, what is it?"

"I wanted to let you know that I've invited someone over for tomorrow," he said. That certainly perked the former cop's head right up. "So, you had better be up by the time they get here."

"Who is it, Sir?" she asked, suddenly very excited. It was a rare occurrence for someone to turn up at the manor other than for business purposes. And as far as she had been informed, her master did not have any connections to anyone outside.

His eyes gleamed rather impishly. "I made a new friend today on my walk. A little old lady offered to have tea with me, and I accepted."

It took Seras a moment for what her master said to register, but when it finally did, she was left gaping at him, completely dumbfounded. She knew he was speaking English, but it sounded like a bunch of gobbledygook to her. "W… _What_?" This was the same Alucard she had come to know, right? The one who had eaten almost three and a half million people, the one who transformed into darkness and bats and creepy-crawlies, the one who had hellhounds for pets? _That_ Alucard sipped tea with an old lady?!

Alucard, amused as ever after reading her thoughts, merely shrugged. "I'm not just a pair of guns, you know. Don't objectify me," he said to the girl whose government-issued uniform was a tight top and miniskirt.

He vanished before he could get hit in the face with a book.

 **Hey everyone! So this is just a neat little idea I think I'll keep working with- I have some idea of as to where this story will go, but I honestly wrote this out for funsies. Hope you enjoyed! I just like the idea of Alucard making honest-to-goodness normal friends that don't want to murder anything. The last oneshot is not meant to be taken too seriously, as I make the characters a tad OOC for comedic effect.**

 **Also, fun fact: when I mentioned "Set Free", which is written by the artist Katie Gray, I thought it might be neat to give the woman who voices Seras Victoria a little nod, as she also happens to be both a singer a voice-actress. I actually have a couple of songs by her, but that one is the most popular, and I think it was even used in the TV show "Bones" once, so "Set Free" is probably the most popular one.**


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